I know I haven't posted for a while.
How are you? Seeing Hikari posting again made me feel like it ^^ Well, I miss you Carriiieeeee !!! >.<
Well, even though I mentioned it in the last post, I am nearly reincarnated now ^^ nearly. What actually mean I still have got somewhat of feelings for my guy -.- even though I don't want to, I really really don't want to! Of course, I don't need him, but this doesn't mean as the same as saying I have no feelings for him ... You understand my problem? @.@
You know, when I look into his face, a chaos of feelings overcome me. Sometimes I'd wish he would have got another face back then when he started to keep the distance to me, then now there wouldn't be that problem I have now ... When I look into his face, I still remember everyhting he did to me, which means both the good and bad things, the very good one and they very bad ones. So you can say, I still have got feelings for him, after all, even though I hate him. But these feelings can't seem to eliminate the (kind of weird) feeling I have for him. Maybe that's also just the wish of being just friends with him again, even though we ARE friends again, which in reality means he does more than just say hello to me ...
My world shines brighter without that problem, without him not being near me. He's in Kansas City for one week now, yesterday they flew over to the US. It was one of my "brightest" days in school up until now ...! Well, one day doesn't prove anything, but if this does continue next week, I think the reason is clearly him! You know, I only think of him as a friend, somthing else would be treason to me!
Exept of this, I still have got the problem my mother is turtoring me when my father comes back home (sometimes he isn't at home for a week because of work)... I know she doesn't do this intentional, but she also doesn't do anyhitng to change that, which makes me kind of suffer.
I know Cleo will hate me for writing that stuff about my guy ... sometimes I have that weird feelings she keeps a distance to me these last days, since the day Greenie traveled to the US for a year. I know she doesn't understand me in the case of my guy. If she understood anyhitng wrong she should read this post now, I hope she got it now.
Hugging you all in these happy changing and awesome automn days. tokomi
8 Kommentare:
Heey tokomi!!
I am really sorry. I somehow missed to save your new blog in my blog list, so I didn't know that you wrote some new posts already >_<
Hm... It's long ago, since I read your posts, so I think I am not really up to date, nor can I remember the details... -.-
Soo.. You say that you don't need him and don't want to have feelings for him, right? Why is that so? I mean. After all this time, saying that you like him and miss him, you suddenly say the opposite.
Also, I understand that you remember all the things he did to you when you see him, be it good or bad memories. But I don't think you can weigh, those memories, because there are still a lot good things that happened to you right? So I don't get why you hate him now.
I'm sorry if that sounds confusing, but honestly I am confused myself. Probably because I haven't read your and the others blogs for a while. I apologize. Carrie
I will now check Hikari's problem, and hopefully post a comment.
Also, tokomi, I think I don't have your ICQ number yet. Or is there any other way to contact you? then please tell me.
mhmmm i c...... Well i really have actually advice for you. I think this is like still trying to get rid of the little bit of feelings you have for him. If you don't want to have them get rid of them the best you can cause they might start coming back. Try to find someone else you like or try to concentrate on being just friends. I know it's hard and i will tell you that even though i stopped that one week experiment where i don't talk to Ty, it all of a sudden is just really hard to talk to him or look at him even when Craz is not around.
Its kinda of like everything has flipped around. There used to be nothing to talk on IM and then he was a total chatter mouth in real life and now its so easy to talk about stuff via IM and i can't even look at him in real life. I get nervous again but more to the point where im the one that's acting like im ignoring him. I know he knows im not since we talk constantly online but i still feel bad. I dont want to ignore him but without Craz there even i cant get enough courage to ask if he wants to work with me or to sit next to him... it's sooooo wierd.
Hikari
(although i was watching him when he fell asleep in class.... good thing im in the back with him cause then no one could see me turn eight shades of red <3)
okay, I'll think I'll make two post out of this: first one is for carrie ^^
well, you don't have to apologize for not posting, I am sooooooooooo glad you're back!!!!!! *dancing waving yeah* ^^
So, I'll try to explain it to you: I think you remember when I decided to get near him again, did you? Well, I phoned him etc. and we did talk in school but more often it was not more than saying hello from his side. as cleo would say it was worth the effort ... to cut it short, he nearly ignored me, though he did this with some other friends [maybe you'll have a look at the post of end of june then you'll get more details]
well, you may not understand but he did hurt me with these actions more than ever, and I was alsways down, had no self-confidence anymore ... that was right in front of our two-week trip to denmark. after comnig back then, I was somewhat reincarnated you might say ... in other words, I had self-confidence again and thought of him omehwat negative??!! -.- ...
well, because of him "ignoring" me before at the end of school it was my goal in holiday not to phone or evn IM him on icq, and I managed! ^^
After that, school started again, that was nearly six weeks ago. After one week I realized I somewhat lied to myself about forgetting him comepletely, because I missed his friendship (even if it was just like small-talk or that) so I made somehting like a "final test" and phoned him on wednesday after school started again. he was somewhat surprised and glad (?? he didn't tell me but it sounded very much alike) about hearing from me. We talked for nearly three hours like in the "old times". after that, everything turned out to be like it is now: we talk, and are somewhat "school friends", but nothing more. sometimes we talk more, sometimes less, but that's okay with me for now.
I think I can't forget about him completely, but being hurt that much really does destroy a lot of the last hope and the positive attitude you had towards him. so in these last days (I'm also in one class with him now so I see him more often than in the past) we got somewhat more close (in a "real" friendship) than it was before. But I still have all these feelings piling up when I see into his face, though I just want a little peace T_T
You understand it now a little better? hope so. Right now, I don't know if I still love him, but I think a kind of friendship is better than just phoning him and ignoring each other in school, like it was before, isn't it? and if I really discover later that I still love him that much as I did before ... there will be a better chance than before vacation! ^^ At least I think so -.- ^^
Carrie I hope you understand me now ^^ the feeling of love still is there, but it is mixed with a lot of others so there somewhat is a choas piling up in me -.-
Hope this wasn't that confusing. ^^
@.@ tokomi, hugging you
P.S. well, I have your icq-number I'd thought you had mine as well?! my name at icq is dorisu and here's the number again: 495-021-149
okay, now to hikari:
sry I'l cut it a little short put my fingers are hurting from writing all this to carrie -.-
well, I know what you mean, I had this also back then when he ignored me and now during the time when I did not post ... then it was sometimes me ignoring him, yet I don't know why. I didn't have to feel ashmed or something else ... well, I think to only you can do in this case is to push yourself forward again. be proud to be such a wonderful person because you are! in other words: smile at the world, smile at ty and suddenly you'll be able to talk to him again. or the other way, tell him you've got some problem at the moment that's why you don't talk with him ... but being more positive about everything would be the better solution I think. it might also solve your problem with that terrible craz a little better. but don't push yorself too hard that you get too nervous, that would be "worth the effort" (*stealing words from cleo again* ^^) because than you wouldn't havew that positive attitude aniymore ... @.@ was it confusing too again? hope this helps you a little.
what would I do without you guys. it was the right decision to post ... thank you! as hikari said,, at least for me, this is the beginning of something bigger!
Well, I actually know what's wrong about you and your guy because I know that you still can#t really get over it!! It's okay to me but I still won't say anything about it because I got the feeling that the more we were talking about that the more arguments have followed!!
Well I don't know whether I'm really keeping kind of distance! I'd say i keep distance to everything because I didn#t feel good!! I felt lonely although I had been together with so many people!! It's a strange, confusing feeling!! I wasn't satisfied with myself and it got worse everyday!! I tried to ignore that but it didn't make anything better!! I still feel lonely a bit!! But I decided to not let anything bring me down again!! My life is changing!! I know that and I#m happy!!!
I had the feeling we couldn#t talk that well the last few weeks because somehow it always ended inb a kind of "argument" although we weren#t shouting or anything!! We just didn't find a solution which was good for both of us!!
Another reason is this new school situation!! We don't see that often anymore!! And I actually don#t want to stay sitting down there in the library during the breaks!! I don#t want Miss "I'm so great in maths", Miss "I'm so cool I don't need you but when i'm alone at the station I could sit next to you" and Mr. "I hate myself and nobody cares" being near me!! I doN#t want to be here at all!! I so would like to be somewhere else!! To live another life!! But that's not possible!! I'm living in this village!! No one seem to like me and noone seems to feel the way I do about this village and the people!! I tried so hard to fit in here!! Butr that does not seem to be my destiny!! Don't know what to do with my life!! How to make it usefull!!
I don#t want to keep a distance!!
Sorry if it seemed this way!!
*hugs*
Cleo
*gasp* poor cleo. well i guess we both have a commitment don't we! *Pulls Cleo over* WE MUST BE POSITIVE AND PUT A BIG SMILE ON!!! *dramatic pose and forces smile*
@tokomi: Thank you so much i'll try my best to smile tomoro, infact im smiling right now as i type to Ty ^^. You just made me all happy. I'm gonna write that on my board. Just keep smiling. You rule!
NOthing much to say, gotta go to a baseball game and finish talking to Ty which is actually going pretty well *giddy giddy smiley smiley*,
Hikari
well, actually I know how you feel little Cleo-chan ^^ and well to be honest, I had that little feeling you were chasing after the greenie ... I know that those things need a little time xD ^^ well, and if we were talking about my guy it really was discussing for nothing because you've got your opinion and I've got mine ... and you're rght about him, at least in a way: I don't want to forget him completely! but I still hate and/or like him for the things he did for and to me. and as long as I've got feelings for a prson I can't forget her, I tried that, cutting things out of my life is worth than seeing him every day -.- i am able to maybe love other persons and I'm mostly not blinded out of love anymore, so I see reality more clear and that's what makes me okay and my peace with this! hope you understand that attitude. -.-
omg is that thing confusing @.@ @.@ @.@ ... *endelss confusion??!!* hugging you all while being dizzy* tokomi
okay, lol hikari and me wanted to comment at the nearly same moment, that's why my internet didn't want to *running after hikari and informing her, asking her with a confused phase about telepathy?!* ^^
well, I would have added it to my last one, but now this:
GREAT!!!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! ^^ CHANING LIKE KAMIKAZE ^^ and hikari's right WE RULE!! ^^
*because of suddenly ending screaming having a unexpexted silence, getting red like hinata, then turning away -.-*
hugging you all, tokomi
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