new layout ^^

well, I just felt like it.

Ijust chose girls for the background who somewhat look like "Rebel angels" ^^ Well, at least I think so -.-

Hope you like it, will maybe change again one or two things.

EDIT. When I phoned him, he was still sleeping -.- Nevertheless he wanted to phone me back. And you were all right: Hearing his voice made that terrific feeling disappear *banzai* ^^ When he doesn't phone me today I'll do so tomorrow. ^^

Hope everybody's all right. tokomi

in a hurry and paniced

Konban wa, mina-san!

Hey again, I'm in a hurry, that's why it's just gonna be a short post.
You know the feeling of loosing someone? Yet I don't remember it clearly, I just woke up this morning thinking I may loose my guy even as a best friend. I don't know why but till now this feeling has even more increased and it is panicing me more and more. And I just now really don't know how to fight this.

You think phoning tomorrow would be a good solution to fight this? (Though I thought till now I need a distance... -.-)

I know it's quite confusing, but when you have any idea, even the weirdest one you ever had, please write it down and help me out.
Hoping to calm down again ... tokomi

standing still and not having any courage

waa, I am such a nuissance >< All of you may imagine this scene: me sitting in front of my table, walking around my table, glancing at my table, starring at my table -

ans on my table lying a phone.

Waaaa, I don't find the courage to phone him! And yet I don't know why >< Maybe it's because it's Thursday and I know phoning him today is bad because he's busy but ... The fact I am not finding the courage to talk to him freely and just phone him ( I just wanted to because of the test in technology tomorrow) is driving me crazy.

You know such a situation? And maybe I am exaggerating things but: Is this normal? And when? @-@ I am not understanding myself anymore ... waaaaa! *scream*
You may think when I am not able to talk to him freely - or because of blocking myself - I shall give up at him? or at least not talk to him for a while?

You may remember, I told you I maybe need a little distance, but this week I missed our conversations that much ... and now happening this!
Think I need to calm down a little more.

tokomi

not moving forward

Konban wa, mina-san! ^^

Sry for the short post but I am in a hurry so please leave LOTS of comments! ^v^

Well, after all, the same with me as with Hikari: nothing is happening -.- I just phoned him Sunday evening, think I did mention that somewhere, too. After all, he's acting quite normal, not that weird again ^^

Do you think this change has got something to do with the fact he isn't in love anymore? I noticed this change in habit quite a few times now when he had fallen in love ... and there indeed were really enough times to notice! ^^
yeah ^^ lol.

Well, that's what all my confusion is about the last days and today ^^ Hope you will help me out! ^^

EDIT. Because Carrie didn't seem to understand me (you know, my english... ><) So I will edit here what I posted to her (extract; you'll also find it in the comments^^):

yeah ^^ lol.
what I meant with my question: You may remember this thing that our relationship suddenly cooled down when he fell in love with "no.4 ^^", and he nearly didn't talt to me when he had his girlfriend. But during the short time he wasn't in love he acted (though we didn't meet up properly, so I can't tell (also don't think this) completely normal again, as if there had been no time when we weren't talking.
Maybe this has something to do with each other? You think so? This is what I wanted to know actually...

Hope I made my problem clear now... ^^
Have a nice time. tokomi

@Carrie&Hikari: about Carrie's question whether we could "communicate ^^" in another way, too .... I'm sorry to say but I've only got icq ><. When there is no chance to communicate, putting a shout-box on one's blog, maybe Hikari's or mine would be an alternative - though yet I didn't find out how to manage this with the shout-box. (hope you're not wondering but I hink I posted this also somewhere else, yet I don#t remember where ><)

wondering about the phone

Hey everybody ^^,

Okay, thanks for your comments so far, really all of you support me a lot (also my friends who sometimes read that stuff here, but don't post here^^)

@littleCleo: Why don't you wanna leave comments, too? I know you're more to check out what's going on, but feel free to leave one ^^

@ neko: Why should you be too unexperienced to give me advices? ^^ Well you see, would I have tonnes of experience in this topic I wouldn't be discussing about this topic here ... Just tell me what you think ^^ I would be relieved to hear your advice ^^

@Carrie: okay, I'll just make a comment to each number, like you did.

1. Well, is it easier to say I live one hour drive south of Dortmund...? This is maybe easier ^^ Well, we have pretty much countryside here -.- For example, I have to drive half an hour to get to Menden, where I go to school and also some of friends (including my guy) live. You got now a little more where I live? @.@

2. Yeah, of course I also hug all of my friends when I feel like it. That's also why at first I didn't thought that this stuff betweenmy guy and me seemed to be different from normal -.- Though they it somewhat seemed normal and yet not -.- *terribly confused*, we both didn't intend to change, though he did after he had another crush.
So you maybe see now, because normally that also would be normal for me, why this whole thing is so confusing for me...

3. Yeah, at first they seemed really happy (I know from that friend I have in the same class than my guy's ex-girlfriend.)In the case of love, my friend told me so, she should be the same type: Just having a glance and saying "whaa, my greatest love ever!" -.- I think that was the main reason why they got along that well together...

4. -.- yeah, this actually is confusing not only me, his whole environment is, especially since he had that type of girlfriend... ^^

5. Wow, despite my weird english you got they problem *banzai* *hugging* ^^

random question: Would you phone him in this situation, when you a little confused, yes or no?
(I think I'll do so later, because I'm used to be confused ^^)
You know, I think I don't wanna keep the distance that far I am not even able to talk to him. And on the other side, even if I'll hurt myself, I don't wanna keep a distance. Because if I did, it would nearly be as the same as the time when he had his ex...I because I don't want that, I think at least phoning him would be the better solution wouldn't it?

Because it is weekend, nothing new happened. Will keep you updated ^^
tokomi

feelings are something you cannot change

Well, today nothing really happened, but I just realized somehting very important abuot my feelings, which is also quite confusing:

Of course I love my guy that much it hurts. But what I know for sure now is that I still don't want him as a boyfriend. Maybe I just want to get back to that time... Yet I don't know why, I just realized this training Tang-Soo-Doo. ^^

Does this anbody know of you? It's just a comment beside the main discussion so...

Anyway all have a good sleep. ^^ tokomi

@carrie: my internet just deleted my VERY LONG entry, so beacuse I'm quite in a hurry you'll get your answers tomorrow morning, kay?

somewhat between a very close friendship and going out

Hey again! ^^

Today again is free. (normally we haven't got that much days free in school, but the last weeks.., we'll anyway it isn't that impüortant though I'm not able to see my guy that often what's a little annoying! ><) So because of that free day again nothing new ... I didn't hear anythign new form him and don't think he'll phone me, and I won't phone HIM. ^^ So anyway, because Hikari wanted to know more about this "getting closer"-thing, today's post will be about this topic. You know that's somewhat the whole confusing part about our realtionship. My guy, me and two very close friends who were going out (in a way) of ours often meet up together during that time, and according to them it really seemed we were also going out. But in fact, we weren't. It just happened we acted that way, also when we were alone, especially when we were alone. Of course, it wasn't about kissing - that would have been a clear sign we were going out. Our acting seemed so natually to me (I can't speak for my guy in that case, especially not after his comment yesterday...), it just developped like this. And then after a time of maybe 1 and a half month behaving like that, especially in private, he said he had falle in love again with another girl. And just this very moment I notitecd for the first time how jealous I was, I felt so bad, and of course he noticed (I told you about hsi talent to notice my feelings before telling him).

At first, I didn't identify this bad feeling as jealousy, just with the help of my friends because I also had some porblems with my parents during that time so I thought at first they were the trigger. But in fact, they weren't.
After that, our relationship cooled down a little though it was just that little it was only me who noticed at first, it was mainly because my guy was chatting with his new love of course etc. And of course, I didn't stop him. Why should I have done this? In fact, I supported him as good as I could because I wanted him to be happy. And I was too confused about my feelings for him, I tried to behave as I did before, but of ourse my guy noticed so there was no other chance but to talk this out with him, but the conversation was just about my feelings. Even then I hadn't any idea he could have been in love with me. But after yesterday, I'm not quite sure about this anymore...

The rumors at school about the two of us going out still continued, bit in fact the two of us had never mentioned to go out. In spite of that me really did behave the way he acts around the girl he gets a crush on, because I saw it one time (this was enough for me) but I also know from him describing his "meetings". Maybe he also wasn't quite sure whether he was in love with me because normally when he has a crush on a girl he crushes on her the very first momet he meets her. But with me it was different, he knew me for a longer time...

Today, and after having a girlfriend for nearly 1 and a half month (it wasn't that girl I mentioned above), a time when I nearly didn't phone him and we nearly didn't talk though we did somehow, now after breaking up with her he acts again like he did before, though I can't tell you whether he acts this close again because we weren't able to meet up properly again. I just seems to be about a close friendship again, we nearly phone each other once or twice a week.

For now, when I'm guessing right about the close friendship it's okay for me because it really hurt me very much when he didn't talk to me porperbly, though this ignoring was not only about me it was about his whole environment, I told you guys. And that's also why I'm still a little confused and don't know what to do because I don't know what he thinks about ur relationship though I guess (you know that I'm right most times ^^) with a chance of nearly 60-70% isn't about love. Anyway, I still don't know till today wether he really loved me probperly, I don't kow till today what my weird feelings for him mean: Yes, I'm somehwat jeaulous because I want to get back to the time we were ther for each other when we needed it, and could speak open and freely, but it's not that I'm the type of person who really wants a boyfriend ^^

So what do you think about this whole confusing thing?

This post it getting too long maybe the next one also will be about his feelings for me, I'm depending this on your comments about this one. Hope you have a nice time! ^^

tokomi

Life somehow seems to be a crap

You know the feeling when your heart seems to die slowy? Hope after hope falling down like leaves in automn, make your heart fall apart ... somehow.

Hey welcome back, mina-san! ^^

Hope the lines above don't sound too dramatic...>< But anyway, sometimes I'm in doubt which decision is the right one ... to stay behind my guy because he's always falling for others and somehow loose his friendship, or to "stay at his side" and to bear the pain... Because in some moments it only hurts to talk to my guy.

You know I told you about his way he falls vor every girl he just meets at a corner, I don't know... He just broke up with his girlfriend nearly 1 and a half week ago and now has fallen in love again ! Well, indeed he didn't clearly tell me, but he knows I alsways can guess right what he means - the same way he actually does with me. (I think that's why our firndship doesn't seem to break...)
What I was that shocked about wasn't the fact he had fallen in love again, I'm somehow used to this now. I know him for nearly one year now, and during that time he had been in love with ... let's see... with 7 girls including me! Yeah, that's the somehow surprising news of today... actually, I guessed fromhsi behaviour towards me again, and in generell likes to tease me about this matter. When today on our way into town (we again just meet up by chance) he teased me again, asking my why I still hadn't got a boyfriend yet , I was suddenly that surprised that I was speechless. Normally he isn't that type of person to ask that directly ... Well, after that he just mumbeld something about "back in that time when the two of us..." ! Bad I couldn't understand the rest of the part because he just changes the subject again, and nearly two minutes later drove off with his bike though I clearly knew we could have gone a longer part together...

When I thought about it, I seemd to have realized I am maybe in love with him when he told me he fall for another girl again... (Yeah you know I am in this behaviour of always realizing I'm in love just three months after falling for a guy -.-)

I don't know what to think of this. And anyway, what shocked me was of course , his reaction too, but in first line my behaviour shocked me most. Because this isn't the first time it happened that way (expect of his comment and question...) Every time he tells it me in that easy way he's in love again, it hurts so much I'm speechless, or even not able to concentrate on anything. Does this really mean I'm still this terrible in love with him?

You know, on the one hand I don't wanna miss him. I had this for nearly two months now, and I made the experience that in generell it is easier for me to have him somewhat near me ad to talk to him freely, though I have a bunch of other guy friends, it's not the case I need him because he's the only guy friend of mine. But in moments like this I really don't know what to do: Everything which seems to be right and makes me smile and laugh freely, nearly taking me into paradise, and then the very next moment everything is destroyed, and I don't know why it hurts so much because there somehow doesn't seem to be a clear reason.

I'm not arguing about the fact I'm in love with him and I'm having a very big crush on my best friend. But after all he is my best friend. What would you do next, after hearing this? Would you continue like I did up until now? Or just stay behind and "live without him" to sound a litttle dramatic? ^^

Hope you're leaving a comment very soon. that's it for today again, tomorrow is free, when everyhitng turned out right my guy will be with his new love... I somehow he will and somehow not.

All have a good sleep ^^ tokomi

the first time I met him

Hey everybody:

Within this post, the discussion about the topic in the nb-forum begins...

The first time I met my guy and best friend was on my way from school into town to my favourite paper&bookstore. We had had technology-lessons for nearly two months together then, and he also was on his way into town so we started talking.
We picked out we both do Asian Fighting Sports; he does Judo, me Tang-Soo-Do. From that time on, we talked more and more and became somekind of friends, though we were only able to talk in technology.
The finally, my friend and me exchanged email-addresses and then after some time icq-numbers, then mobile numbers. We got more and more close, and chatted nearly every evening. He helped me with my problems etc. Then another holidays came up, and we decided to meet eah other. To be more precised I went spontaneously with him after school, but I had to leave very early so we me again in holidays.

Yeah, you nearly know the rest of the story; we got VERY close then etc. I haven't heard anything new from him again but he with some friends of him today. We had technology again today, he was the same as the last days, nearly like in the old days.

@Hikari: Indeed, I did phone him yesterday... ^^ I think there is the danger I will fall for him again...You know it somehow is depending between 51-49% but I think I'll manage it. As I said he's friendship is that important to me I don't wanna loose it because of my somekind slefish feelings...What do you think about this attitude? Anything new about your guy?

That's all for now. tokomi

Welcome

Hey to everybody!

And how are you? Well, welcome at my blog, Rebel Angels', hope you like it here. From now on, I will post things here and discuss topics etc. Comments are welcome.

Well, that's all for now. Have a nice time ^^

tokomi