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2008-05-21

Life somehow seems to be a crap

You know the feeling when your heart seems to die slowy? Hope after hope falling down like leaves in automn, make your heart fall apart ... somehow.

Hey welcome back, mina-san! ^^

Hope the lines above don't sound too dramatic...>< But anyway, sometimes I'm in doubt which decision is the right one ... to stay behind my guy because he's always falling for others and somehow loose his friendship, or to "stay at his side" and to bear the pain... Because in some moments it only hurts to talk to my guy.

You know I told you about his way he falls vor every girl he just meets at a corner, I don't know... He just broke up with his girlfriend nearly 1 and a half week ago and now has fallen in love again ! Well, indeed he didn't clearly tell me, but he knows I alsways can guess right what he means - the same way he actually does with me. (I think that's why our firndship doesn't seem to break...)
What I was that shocked about wasn't the fact he had fallen in love again, I'm somehow used to this now. I know him for nearly one year now, and during that time he had been in love with ... let's see... with 7 girls including me! Yeah, that's the somehow surprising news of today... actually, I guessed fromhsi behaviour towards me again, and in generell likes to tease me about this matter. When today on our way into town (we again just meet up by chance) he teased me again, asking my why I still hadn't got a boyfriend yet , I was suddenly that surprised that I was speechless. Normally he isn't that type of person to ask that directly ... Well, after that he just mumbeld something about "back in that time when the two of us..." ! Bad I couldn't understand the rest of the part because he just changes the subject again, and nearly two minutes later drove off with his bike though I clearly knew we could have gone a longer part together...

When I thought about it, I seemd to have realized I am maybe in love with him when he told me he fall for another girl again... (Yeah you know I am in this behaviour of always realizing I'm in love just three months after falling for a guy -.-)

I don't know what to think of this. And anyway, what shocked me was of course , his reaction too, but in first line my behaviour shocked me most. Because this isn't the first time it happened that way (expect of his comment and question...) Every time he tells it me in that easy way he's in love again, it hurts so much I'm speechless, or even not able to concentrate on anything. Does this really mean I'm still this terrible in love with him?

You know, on the one hand I don't wanna miss him. I had this for nearly two months now, and I made the experience that in generell it is easier for me to have him somewhat near me ad to talk to him freely, though I have a bunch of other guy friends, it's not the case I need him because he's the only guy friend of mine. But in moments like this I really don't know what to do: Everything which seems to be right and makes me smile and laugh freely, nearly taking me into paradise, and then the very next moment everything is destroyed, and I don't know why it hurts so much because there somehow doesn't seem to be a clear reason.

I'm not arguing about the fact I'm in love with him and I'm having a very big crush on my best friend. But after all he is my best friend. What would you do next, after hearing this? Would you continue like I did up until now? Or just stay behind and "live without him" to sound a litttle dramatic? ^^

Hope you're leaving a comment very soon. that's it for today again, tomorrow is free, when everyhitng turned out right my guy will be with his new love... I somehow he will and somehow not.

All have a good sleep ^^ tokomi

3 Kommentare:

Hikari said...

well this is definetly boggling me as well. Let me see if i can try to help. Knowing if your in love is tough, i mean up until a couple months ago i had two people i was inlove with. I used to be MADLY inlove with this guy who had been my friend since we were four and then when i found out Ty liked me and i began liking him it was kind of a battle between the two; of course Ty has hit the other guy out of my mind and i barely even care bout him anymore but thats not really a problem.

I guess when i started liking Ty it was awkward. You kinda are terrified when around them but at the same time your fine. I guess once i kinda realized i was inlove with him i just couldn't stop thinking about him and i wanted to be around him more. When i got to the point where i am right now i just want him ALL THE TIME and he's actually one of the most important people to me. I guess those are the symptoms, but of course im too good at this as well:

-Nervous, embarrassed to be around them
-Think about them constantly
-Want to talk/see but dont know what to do/say
-They somehow magically appear in a dream (no jk i never had that happen to me before)
-And sometimes you kinda try to cover it up with a little more rudeness or less care when around them???

I hope this is alright. As you know i try to figure this out as much as you do.
And him falling inlove with a different girl all the time, i think it is wrong but at the same time it could mean many different things:
He either
1. Really likes you but with these girls he's just trying to cover it up and make you jealous
2. He doesn't like (i would be soooo sorry if this was true) and he's just one of those jerks that treats girlfriends like disposable napkins. THAT WOULD SO SUCK!!!! (sorry i hate people who just like get a boy/girlfriend just to say it and like break up with them a week later. i think its cruel. if you're gonna go out with someone then make sure you are truly willing to like them. that's probably why i have never gone out with someone because i don't want them to think im a disposable napkin)

Random Question: Now you two did go out right? How long? Who dumped who and why? (sorry if it was in your post and i just didn't pay attention)

Please get back to me as soon as you can >.< i'd love to hear more.

Anonymous said...

ah.... yeah.. so he does have a new girlfriend after all? or is it just onesided?
You know i think he is the type of guy who falls in love easily - I mean he really does think that he loves the girl - but he actually doesn't.. He isn't sad o something after breaking up with them, is he? So I don't know how it would be if he is gonna lose YOU. How would he react? I don't kow but I think it is something different, because you are not his girlfriend, but one of his best friends? I don't really know but I know that you are important to him ^^

So he was in love with you? Seriously? "back in that time when the two of us..." how do you know that he was in love with you? Didn't he say something else, what did you say?
MAybe you can ask him Friday what he meant by saying that, and I don't know.. you could ask him why he falls in love so often xDD joke ^^

You know, you are in love with him right? you miss him and want to see him and stuff, also it hurts you when he talks about his girlfriends and stuff. I think you feel more for him than for only a bestfriend.

So.. well, it is you decision, but I really wouldn't stay behind, you know, don't give up! >_< You are already trying so hard and don't let that be wasted, he might break up with this girl soon. but he knows you much more than the other girls, maybe he hopes you would do something ?!

Okay, that was all, maybe you could talk with him about that time again. you know when he suddenly changed the topic.

Carrie ^^

Hydrangea said...

well, the reason for me guessing he might have had a crush on me you'll read in the new post ^^

You know, maybe he also was confused because WHEN he really was in love with me it was very different from other times he fell for girls so maybe he was also unsure what to do.

Thanks for you compliments about my English ^^ @ Carrie: Saying you're also not spealking that good English, aren't you from an english-speaking country? Where are you from? ^^

Tokomi